How to be an Arrogant Driver

How to be an Arrogant Driver

So you want to be an arrogant driver in NZ? Follow my simple guide:

1. You have right of way at all times.

2. Blending like a zip is for cooks and seamstresses. The guy next to you will try to take the lead as your lanes merge. Do not back down or the world will know you have no cajones and you will be shamed. If necessary, mount the kerb.

3. Traffic lights in New Zealand are unique. If you are stopped at a red light and you have somewhere you need to be, keep inching your car forward. The traffic lights will respond to this and change to green sooner. If your traffic light is at a pedestrian crossing and the pedestrians are looking at your forward inching with concern, ignore them. See rule 1. If you see an amber light, don’t worry about it. Must be some kind of glitch.

4. New Zealand has a unique turning system. Melbourne started a “give way to those from the right” system due to their own tramways. Not to be out done by our Aussie cousins, NZ adopted this system. The system was dropped by Australia due to it not working. This was because they forgot that rule 1 applies in all situations. New Zealand kept the system along with its multiple situations when it’s ok to ignore the rule. Don’t worry, you don’t have to learn these.

5. Be aware that you are sharing the road with 15 year old delinquents driving their parent’s 3L V8 Japanese race car. These delinquents are a threat to your status of “Road Owner”. To overcome this, face all drag racing challenges head on. If you back down from a competition with a 15 year old, it will be clear to your adult peers that this is because you have no cajones.

Oh P.S. they will have no insurance. Yes this is legal and best solved by suggesting any accidents you caused are settled out of court by your mate’s brother who owns a wreckers.

6. Go around round-abouts in a clockwise fashion. See how you’re turning right as you circle the round-about? This is why you should have your right indicator on. Approaching the round-about, indicate right. When leaving the round-about, also indicate right. Just indicate right no matter which way you’re going. Not indicating at all is an acceptable alternative method.

7. Nothing exists behind you. Mirrors are for chumps. Feel free to remove these from your vehicle.

8. As per rule 7, cyclists only exist when they are in front of you in clear view. They love it when you pass so close you can just about clip them with your wing mirror. That’s how they get their kicks. If you manage to brush against clothing without knocking them over, congratulations, you have won the game.

9. Lower your vehicle to the ground by removing the springs. It’s proven that having no suspension improves the performance on your car. Once this is done, head to a road along a popular beachfront such as Sumner, in Christchurch. This is the best place to show everyone how awesome you look in your low car. Don’t worry about the speed bumps and people laughing when you lose your rear bumper. They are laughing with you.

10. Do not thank anyone. Thanking people, through waving or flashing your lights, will only confuse them. Gratitude is also a sign of weakness.

  • Mark Lincoln

    Some comments from my Facebook friends:

    Samantha Ball at 4:46pm April 24
    Marky, you can’t forget the classic – you WILL be overtaken, no matter how fast you are already driving and how much you cannot see around the next blind corner.

    Kevin Gascoyne at 1:49am April 25
    sounds a bit like driving in the UAE, although there is also a rule over here that states “if the person in front of you has a car of lesser value than your own then you have automatic right of way” and “on a motorway there are 3 lanes, the middle lane, the outside overtaking lane and the inside overtaking lane. If all three lanes are full then feel free to use the hard shoulder or the gap between the outside lane and the central reservation for overtaking”

  • Hillary

    Hey, not to put my own countrymen down, but I don’t think driving in NZ can be as dangerous as driving in Malaysia.

    I’m from Malaysia and am planning a 6-month working holiday in NZ. Hope to get to know your country better. :)

  • Mark Lincoln

    Hi Hillary,

    Thanks for your comment and true, fair point! Driving in many countries of the world can definitely be a lot worse!

    A friend of mine told me that the driving lesson in an Arabic country (sorry I forget which one) consisted of starting the car and driving forwards for 50 metres!

    I guess I’m biased as I’ve now been crashed into 4 times in Christchurch (I was stationery for all but one of them!),

    New Zealand is a beautiful and amazing country. You’re going to love it here. Try to have a good travel around it while you’re here. Make sure you don’t plant yourself in Auckland for 6 months or you’ll miss out on so much beauty :)

  • Mark Lincoln

    P.S. Just a quick disclaimer – do not use the above rules as an actual “how to drive in New Zealand” or John Key will lock me away.

    P.P.S. Another disclaimer – John Key won’t really lock me away.